Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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