so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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