Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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