Got a toothbrush?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
