Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I die, sorry about rent.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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