my phone needs a breathalizer
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize