just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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