drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
