Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
