Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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