I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize