Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The air taste purple.
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