Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
