There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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