So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
