New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
