Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
