I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
