I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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