I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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