please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
