i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
