Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
