I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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