How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize