What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There's always time for handjobs
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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