and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
