shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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