Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
