I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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