Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
