The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
