Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
