Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I could fuck to npr.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
