please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
