apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I love having hate sex.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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