I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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