how can u be prego again
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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