shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
a search helicopter?!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
