Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
