remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
