those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
