did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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