Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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