I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
All I want is dick and wine.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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