she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
