Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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