can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize