Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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