Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
