Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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