I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
