Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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