Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
