It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize