As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Barsexuality is the new black.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
