just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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