I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
