i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
