I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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