Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
