I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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