This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
