uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize