dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
