I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
