oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize