omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
