i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
