3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize