im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
