I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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