You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
