thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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