they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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